Jordan Siegel, Person Unextraordinaire

Oreos

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 23:36:03 -0400

I love Oreos.

Sneezing

Thu, 22 Sep 2011 09:36:35 -0400

Sneezing is so awkward. Ok, so the actual sneeze itself isn’t so bad (unless you have a really stupid sounding sneeze or you tend to spew boogers everywhere) but the pre-sneeze anticipation always ends up being kind of wonky. Everyone has their own distinct pre-sneeze facial expressions and they’re all ridiculous. Mine involves my mouth sort of hanging half open with my eyes all squinty and my nostrils super flared. It’s really attractive.

Treadmill

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 14:05:11 -0400

Torture.

Ikea

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 17:37:57 -0400

Today I feel like an 85 year old woman. Everything hurts. That’s what happens when you spend five hours at Ikea and another five hours sitting on your floor putting together furniture from Ikea. Don’t. Go. To. Ikea.

Happy Monday!

Jordan Cohen and I, circa sophomore or junior year of high...

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 00:39:17 -0400

Jordan Cohen and I, circa sophomore or junior year of high school.

Zumba

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 22:18:00 -0400

According to Wikipedia, Zumba is defined as, “a Latin-inspired dance fitness program created by dancer and choreographer Alberto “Beto” Perez in Colombia during the 1990s.” According to me, Zumba is defined as, “something else I can not do.”

Zumba is supposed to be one of those gym classes where people are like, “Gosh, it’s so much fun, I don’t even feel like I’m exercising!” Except for me it’s more stressful than fun. I’m one of those people who have a problem with the whole rhythm and coordination thing, making it kind of difficult to do anything involving the art of dance. During Zumba class I end of doing a lot of flailing and odd bopping, kind of like a chicken with its head cut off…a chicken with its head cut off trying to do Zumba, that is.

I think the aspect of Zumba that is particularly troublesome for me is having to do something with my hands and my feet… at the same time! Maybe, MAYBE I’d be able to the just the hands or just the feet, but both at the same time? Nope.

But you know what, I go to Zumba class anyway. Because if I’m gonna suck at something, I’m gonna suck 100 percent in the most awesome way possible. I’m not going to mediocrely suck, I’m going to suck all the way. So in conclusion, I may suck at Zumba but I least I suck absolutely worse than anyone else in the class!

My 6th grade school photo. I think it speaks for itself.

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 20:03:50 -0400

My 6th grade school photo. I think it speaks for itself.

Dilemma

Sun, 04 Sep 2011 02:26:00 -0400

Everyday we are faced with dilemmas. To be or not to be, yadda yadda yadda. Well, I feel compelled to share one such dilemma that I happened to face today.

Whilst walking down the street I noticed something about the woman in front of me. She was rocking a small red price sticker smack dab in the middle of her back. It was just hanging out there, completely unbeknownst to this woman/victim of red price sticker stickiness. The second I saw it all I could think about was whether or not I was going to tell her. I wanted to tell her, I really did. I mean, who wants to walk around with a red price sticker chilling on their back? Why, certainly not me! I felt like it was my duty as an upstanding citizen of this fine city to kindly alert her to this unfortunate sticky situation.

But then I said nothing. I just couldn’t figure out an appropriate way to tell her. I couldn’t exactly take it off her back and be like, “Yo, you had this red price sticker on your back but don’t worry ‘cause I got it for you!” I guess I could’ve just told her point blank that there was a red price sticker on her back but I feel like that would’ve been so complicated because she wouldn’t have been able to see it. And I would’ve had to guide her through the process of getting it off her back and then she wouldn’t have been able to get it and then she would’ve thought I was a crazy liar who just made up the whole red price sticker story for some sick amusement and then she would’ve punched me in the face and I would have to deal with a black eye for two weeks.

So for the sake of my fragile eyes I made the difficult decision not to tell her. I feel like a horrible person because if it were me I totally would have complained for hours about how no one told me about the red price sticker. But at least I don’t have a black eye.

Running

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 15:36:00 -0400

During my run this morning I got to thinking about…running. It’s actually bizarre to me, this whole concept of running for recreation. Back in the day people ran for survival; the cavemen didn’t run just to burn a few calories. No siree, they ran to get the fuck away from the giant badgers! Or whatever it was that hunted them…

Who woulda thunk it?! Running merely for the sake of fun (and by fun I mean torture aka exercise). Like for realsies y’all.

Also this is totally off topic but yesterday someone sneezed on me in the street and it was really gross.

Happy Labor Day weekend!

I can totally relate to Fanny Brice. Minus that whole having...

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 12:27:27 -0400

I can totally relate to Fanny Brice. Minus that whole having talent thing or whatever.

Potatoes and Mayonnaise

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 02:44:00 -0400

It’s strange what moments in life our brains choose to store into our memories; seemingly inconsequential events turn into defining moments when we later look back amongst the vast chain of daily occurrences known as life.

For me, one such defining life moment happened to involve potatoes and mayonnaise. Well, it was actually two food related incidents that throughout the years have somehow melted together to create one fine dish of a defining moment. Yeah, I was never so good with puns.

It was high school. It was lunchtime. I was in the cafeteria enjoying a lovely lunch with a few of my dearest friends. And that’s when it happened. Out of the corner of my eye I spied something - an oblate spheroid of sorts - coming right towards where I was innocently sitting at my table! Long story short (long story that wasn’t really a long story at all until I decided to rock out some hyperbole), I had a potato thrown at me in the middle of lunch. Like total stereotypical, heavily cliched teen movie. Clearly I was that super cool popular kid in this scenario…

So the other incident that I associate with the aforementioned one occurred in a very similar manner. Except this time instead of getting hit with a potato I was hit with a packet of mayo. On my head. And I quickly learned that when a packet of mayo hits a human head with the perfect speed and trajectory, it tends to explode. Everywhere. Basically I ended up with mayo all over my hair in the middle of my school cafeteria during lunch. Oh, and did I mention I find mayo absolutely appalling? Yeah, so that happened.

Summary: Two incidents in my life come together to form potato salad.

More Things I'm Good At

Tue, 30 Aug 2011 17:30:00 -0400

I thought of two more items to add to my list of things I’m good at. The new additions to the list are in bold because that seemed appropriate.

1. Slipping through doors while they are closing

2. Polishing my own nails

3. Cutting the necks off t-shirts

4. Getting a good ratio between peanut butter and jelly on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

5. Getting a good ratio of milk to cereal in a bowl of cereal

6. Tree pose in yoga

7. Regulating my bowel movements

8. Folding laundry

9. Successfully redoing my ponytail whilst running

10. Having visible veins for blood tests (Credit to Jordan Cohen for bringing this to my attention)

11. Rolling up an aerobed

This painting is Joan Miro’s Dutch Interior, I. It’s...

Tue, 30 Aug 2011 03:17:16 -0400

This painting is Joan Miro’s Dutch Interior, I. It’s my favorite painting on this whole entire planet that we call Earth. I love it because it’s basically a visual representation of how I view life.

As part of our pre hurricane prep, my two friends and I are...

Sat, 27 Aug 2011 16:37:00 -0400

As part of our pre hurricane prep, my two friends and I are watching an enthralling episode of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding on TLC. But that’s totally off topic from the purpose of this post which is Goldfish bread. Whilst watching this enchanting television program, a commercial for Pepperidge Farm Goldfish bread came on. And we got excited. Very excited. To the point where we gleefully expressed an urgent interest in getting us some of this bread ASAP. And by ASAP I mean probably after that whole hurricane thing is over.

As we are still sitting here deeply engaged in these dynamic characters, I’m really hoping that the Goldfish bread commercial comes back on because it brought such sheer joy to three twenty somethings who are clearly just five year olds in disguise as grown ups.

Hurricane

Sat, 27 Aug 2011 02:27:00 -0400

Nope.

Things I'm Good At

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 17:49:48 -0400

In my seemingly never ending quest to become a more positive person, I have begun to compile a list of things that I’m good at. It is not very long.

This is it at the moment; I hope to continue finding things to add:

1. Slipping through doors while they are closing

2. Polishing my own nails

3. Cutting the necks off t-shirts

4. Getting a good ratio between peanut butter and jelly on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

5. Getting a good ratio of milk to cereal in a bowl of cereal

6. Tree pose in yoga

7. Regulating my bowel movements

8. Folding laundry

9. Successfully redoing my ponytail whilst running

Dream On

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 12:12:24 -0400

I’m one of those people who nearly always remembers their dreams. Word on the street is that when you remember your dream you weren’t in REM sleep and basically didn’t get as deep a sleep as when you don’t remember your dream. Or something like that. Since I can’t recall the last time I didn’t remember a dream, I basically never get my true deep sleep on, which probably accounts for why I generally look like a zombie. Which is actually not so bad since zombies are kind of in right now.

This prologue is really just a clever entry into me talking about my ridiculous dreams.

So, last night I had a dream that I was chilling with Emma Watson, who plays Hermione in all the Harry Potter films. Side note: I totally should’ve been cast as Hermione. Anyway, I guess in my dream I was meeting up with Emma/Hermione at her apartment which ended up being really far east because at some point we were walking along what Dream Jordan decided was the East River. Except that it looked really clean and blue and sparkly so Dream Jordan must be some kind of idealist. But before we were walking along the faux East River, we were sitting in her apartment doing whatever it is dream people do. And I remember that her door was really weird and wouldn’t stay closed and I kept on trying to fix it. But I guess my door fixing project went unfinished because then we were walking along the faux East River.

And here is how we know that my deep subconscious is a bitchy girl: Whilst walking in my dream I looked over at Emma/Hermione who was wearing a pair of skinny jeans…but she didn’t look so skinny. Yes, Dream Jordan made Emma Watson chunky! In real life Emma Watson is super thin and British. But in my dream - nope; my subconscious made her look like a chunky American. And then, just for fun, Dream Jordan was trying to help Emma/Hermione find a boyfriend. Because only in a bizarre dream world would I be assisting Emma Watson in snagging a man. Yeah, so that happened.

I also had another dream last night that for some reason involved Dream Jordan missing the toilet and peeing all over herself. Luckily when I woke up I had not peed my bed because that would have been problematic.

Dream Jordan, out

Jordan Cohen at his bar-mitzvah. You’re welcome.

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 11:32:44 -0400

Jordan Cohen at his bar-mitzvah. You’re welcome.

Blog Entry, The First

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 11:45:04 -0400

So, this is my first foray into the blog world and to be perfectly honest, I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to do. Therefore, I figured I would just start off by doing one of my favorite things - talking about myself!

My name is Jordan Siegel and I just graduated from NYU with a degree in dramatic literature. My ultimate goal in life is to be Tina Fey. I look really bad with bangs. I once had a pair of Sperrys that smelled so bad I could smell them myself when I was sitting down (don’t worry, they have been thrown out…RIP old Sperrys). I have the bladder of an 85 year old. When I was a junior in high school my AP Calculus teacher told my mom that I was average in the class and that broke my heart (when it comes to school, aka the only thing I’ve ever been good at, I have to be the best, and average just ain’t it). I am not athletic, I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t paint and I can’t cook. I can, however, write ten pages about five lines of dialogue in a play. Thank you NYU!

I really love good television (defined by what I think is awesome) such as 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, Community, Modern Family, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Arrested Development, Extras, The Comeback. I can not be friends with people who don’t find these shows funny. Except for my mother, of course.

Things I also love include: Jimmy Fallon, Joan Miro’s Dutch Interior I, Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, the first time I smell Fall in the air (formerly known as the beginning of the school year), Britney Spears, random dance parties (generally to Britney), UCB, cardigans, froyo, coffee, my ipad, British people, the word “doody,” when people think I’m smart because I’m wearing my glasses, and blankets.

It makes me really mad when people don’t tell you when you have toilet paper hanging from your ass or trailing from the bottom of your shoe. Note to all people: Just kindly tell someone that they’re rocking a toilet paper parade, it saves a lot of embarrassment. Trust me, I would know from more than one occasion of personal experience.

Yeah, so I guess that’s all the random stuff I can think of at this moment. Do I need like a sign off or something?

Jordan, out.